| by Sir Blunt |
The day Dogberry was born, he already knew every single letter in the alphabet, from S to F. He could already count from 40 to 39. He already knew his mother’s name, “Dada.”
By the time he was three, he could tell time. When the sun was shining, he knew it was bedtime.
When he turned twenty, he could spell his name: D-O-S-Y-R-Y-F-U-G.
He knew his inherent genius was perfect for a job like Master Constable of the town. So he took the test and made a score never made before: F-.
Now he keeps the town safe – and smart.
Sir Blunt: So, Dogberry, what was the best grade you ever got in school?
Dogberry: Oh, well, F———–+– in English.
Sir Blunt: Wow! What a score! Do you think school prepared you well for your current job?
Dogberry: Marry, that was my mother, Dada. She sent me to a Master Constable Boot Camp when I was three.
Sir Blunt: Boot Camp? It says here you went to Baby Booties Camp.
Dogberry: Pray, that’s what I said. It was so hard. They made three year olds walk and catch balls and sing songs. It was brutal.
Sir Blunt: Did catching balls prepare you for catching thieves?
Dogberry: Marry! Those delinquent minors would say, “May I please have your ball?” when I only had two. Then I would accidentally drop one and they would pick it up and run, yelling, “Catch me if you can!” Yes, Master Constable Boot Camp prepared me well.
Sir Blunt: What experience would you say prepared you most for being a Master Constable?
Dogberry: Pray, it was probably that two-minute test I had to take when I was twenty. They made me do two math problems: 1+2 and 5+7. Not even Archimeteor couldn’t even figure those out. It took me fifty hours, but when I did it, the crowd applauded. They threw food and said, “This was the most boring day of my life.” I was so proud of myself. I said to myself, “Dosyryfug, the people need you. They want you. They love you.” I applied for the Master Constable position right after that.
Sir Blunt: How’d you get hired?
Dogberry: Marry, out of the one applicant, they picked me. Obviously, I’m the best man for the job.
Sir Blunt: Well, thank you, Dogberry. This has been most… enlightening.
Dogberry: Yes, thank me, Brunt.